i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
