im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize