I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize