Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
