he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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