I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
