the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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