Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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