my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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