He disabled his match.com account in front of me
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
