Do you still have your period?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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