she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
