so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
