You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
