Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
