our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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