1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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