Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
