I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
