You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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