so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
