i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
