I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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