so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
