i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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