Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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