my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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