y did u give ur computer a hand job?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
