We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
