tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
