The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
