That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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