Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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