Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
