so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
