I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
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