He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
