You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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