So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
