Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
