I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
