Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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