I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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