You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
