So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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