I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
