Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
