Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
