I met the friendliest cop last night
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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