The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
