The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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