if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
