im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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