the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
