The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Randomize
