The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize