So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
