Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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