WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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