life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
