in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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