I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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