What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
