i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
