The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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