You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
