You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
my liver is dry heaving
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
